"New Decade. New Rules." - Scream 4

It's a new installment to the Scream series, which means: Some New Rules for the New Millennium. Here are, in my humble movie-viewing opinion, some of the new rules of the horror movie genre:

1. Then: anyone can be the killer. Now: anyone can be the victim. (Even the main character can sacrifice him/herself.)
2. Archetypal stereotypes are out, body counts are in. Killers need to keep their body-count numbers up
3. Yup, that means virgins can die.
4. Body-counts and complexity level of the kill will always rise with each installment.
5. On the bright side, the rest of those pesky archetypal constraints of last century are totally non sequitur- African Americans, ugly people, hotties, Asians, drug dealers, and addicts all can actually survive.
6. In order to survive, you must gain something valuable from the experience.
7. To survive, don’t dilly-dally, chances are you’re being timed.
8. You’ll be strapped down. If you cry… you die.
9. To survive, assess the situation immediately and don’t spend all that time “coming to.” (Really, all of this could have been avoided if you just grabbed that key in the beginning before it went down the drain.)
10. Don’t check your cell phone; you won’t have a signal and it’s a death wish.
11. Don’t expect a chase sequence. This is the new lazy America, expect to be kidnapped or drugged in a quick, clean, efficient manner.
12. Even more lazy- Killers don’t get their hands dirty… It's ok to rely on an indoctrinated minion, desperate hostage or even a god damn puppet-thing on a bike (ps- multiple killers are no longer a surprise).
13. Even MORE lazy- Killer abdicates responsibility. They will control your choices by putting the victim’s life in your hands (“See little Sue on the monitor… she will die if you don’t make me a sand which now”).
14. Surgical tools, technology/machines are the new ax and chainsaw.
15. The cleaner and more efficient the kidnapping is, the more tense, rusty, highly inefficient your death will be.
16. Expect extreme death. Unstoppable contraptions and slow mutilating torture will be your demise now (really makes you long for the quick stab to the heart).
17. Made in the USA- Though everything is rusted through and compiled from a garbage dump with no obvious fuel source, the duct tape and Elmer’s glue will hold… These mechanisms aren’t going to fail or fall apart. Sorry.
18. Despite being incredibly complex, these mechanisms don’t require a high-level degree in engineering, physics or construction… it can easily be done by some handicapped janitor.
19. EVERYTHING is being recorded. Despite no power outlets or connections you ARE being watched.
20. If it’s a remake- old rules apply. Remember guys, the original was always better.