WTF

worst day of my work life... ever!

The Last Day of Summer

For what seemed to be only a second "God gave me style and gave me grace and put a smile upon my face." how else would you explain the most brilliant performances of your life time. When I regain consciousness from my euphoria can say more.

side note: the name of the opening was Rilo Kiley, good band.

I went to try out for the real wolrd...

Today I went on a road trip with my friend Vince. I woke up got around made it to school for my one class then spontaneously decided to go try out for the Real World Key West auditions in a neighboring city. My friend Vince (aka V.D.) and I, the only ones who could do something as spontaneous as that, left just for the hell of it. We knew for a fact we weren’t going to make it on, were not pretty, stupid, drunk and sl utty (well… I am not) but did it just to say “we tried out for the Rea World.... and got rejected.” They were held in Lincoln so I have been meaning to go up and take care of some unfinished business after I swore I would never return. I went to the ipod store (the only one in NE) and then burned like 10 or 12 cds that I have never heard of from my cool emo friend Rebecca.
At the casting is was amazingly uncrowded, thank god for the Nebraska mentality (it aint worth it if I have to get up or expand my comfort space). It was a total blast, for the application we had fill out things like “what is your most embarrassing moment?” which is hilarious to find stuff like that out each other. Eventually, we ended up talking to the sitting next to us (or rather we stole her seat) and then began to talk with a group of people in front of us that had just all recently met too (one of those: this is cool, it seems like I have known you guys forever). Every one there was really funny, good looking, active and honest but also mellow. The best way to describe it was we didn’t make conversations or small talk but had conversations. It created a great atmosphere, I just wanted to take all those people and put them in a party with me or something. Needless to say no one got a call back but it was so fun just meeting strange and different people who were unique and wanted to show the world all while putting your self in an awkward situation. We had to tell things about ourselves to a formal group of 12, and for the first time VD publicly admitted he was gy. After that I chilled a the dorms with Vince’s friends and met more people who were cool. Then about four hours later and a foosball tournament, plates of spaghetti and funny stories traded back and forth me and VD went for the road trip back and sang along to the theme song “Scotty doesn’t know” while we discussed maturity levels and how this is the best day since the summer has ended.
Tomorrow I can’t wait its road trip #2 with me and brian to Kansas City! For the Cold Play concert I hope every one is as excited as me.

Work

I Finally Got a Job!!! i am sure you all will be hear about it from here on out. i am now working part time at the Up Stream Brewing Company in the historical old market (meaning... ill have to drive over 400 city blocks a day. its the only place hiring, and now i must move in with SkankSlut). Wahoo

what i use my mastercard for...

shots and drinks $30.00, Emergency/treatment rm $438.27, Ancillaries $233.25, Laboratory tests $489.65, Emergency/treatment rm $135.74, Council Bluffs Fire Dept Ambulance $445.00, Mileage $12.00. Total $1618.17... have the worste 21st ever priceless, or way to mother f*cking expensive, oh hell i am sooo calling my inssurance!

Funny Line

"Matt if it werent for bad luck you would have no luck at all."

Found this sad line:

Let my hart be made of stone and become strong as to never fall for fools love.

Busy day: movie to watch, song to listen to, and a fact to know

A word to the wise, I so lament the fact of being told “we were such a cute couple.” It tends not to help the situation.
Well, it was an interesting day I was able to sleep in until 11:00 and woke up with the sun. I went and exercised then relaxed and ate some thia food. After that I watched a deep philosophical movie called What the Bleep do We Know (quick shout out, awesome movie) and sipped a glass of Hennessy Coniac, what else would you have to drink that would accompany such a movie with deep issues about the human body and its emotional spirit. After that I lounged and ate a hamburger and watched Family Guy. Through out the day I received condolences on my recent grievances which were much appreciated. Having people around right now is always good. Just someone to relate or even get things off my chest are always a relief and keep me mentally sane, not to mention it keeps me occupied, which is good, as to not allow my mind to wander into dark corners. Thank you. An interesting side effect of all this is that I have been given songs to listen too, here are some: Mariah Carey shake it off, Fatty Koo its over, Christina Agualra stronger and my favorite Cher this is a song for the lonely (this one was obviously Bryans). But the song I would suggest is Jem finally woke up, it shows my more positive attitude that I am maintaining from when I opened my eyes today.
Another interesting fact that I have learned is from the movie. Did you know it was documented that when Columbus slowly sailed his 3 missive vessels towards the Caribbean islands the indigenous people never noticed the substantial ships approaching to dock. It wasn’t until the wise shaman notice waves or ripples from the sea and traced them out ward. Only then after being told by the shaman did the people actually see the ominously large armada. Its amazing really, the power of denial is easily the strongest binding force we have.
“Matt I didn’t know things between us had gotten so bad” I had no reply to that statement because I too hadn’t realized how bad and how obvious things were, I had seen them but it took them being said by him for me to truly realize what was going on. I still can’t except he was a lair, deceiver, and would do all of this to me.

Truth

I was short changed, cheated and deceived. Who did he get with over me you say, none other than the Mascot for UNL Herby Husker. THAT’S RIGHT HERBY F***ING HUSKER! Yea, sadness. If your going to continually do something like that behind my back then at least do it with something worth while. I should have saw it coming. That picture is of JC, if you remember he was the guy at pride week who went to go talk with ugly leaving me alone and later threw me to the concrete, gave me a rather insulting excuse to skip my 21st birthday, then hung up on me when I said “I was put into the ambulance...” burnt me with his cigarette (but couldn’t hear me yell because the music was too loud), would go out drinking and introduce me to all the people who he had slept/made out/groped previously to me, got drunk on a weekly basis and go to a gy bar and pick up guys there (for example his sister is in the hospital right now and I would offer any help I could to him, even driving 5 hours but instead he got wasted and went to watch men strip.)
Previously, he gotten drunk went to the Q. I called him the next day and asked how his night was and he replied “I got home so late I only got 4 hrs of sleep.” Then a little paranoid I asked what time he woke up, he said “around 7” meaning that he got home around 3, but bars here close at 1a.m. So he was forced to tell me that he met with this guy (Herby) whose pick up line was “I can make you a turkey sandwich at my place” (seriously, this is what I was passed up for.) I backed down and didn’t get in the way but he said liked me and they just had a really boring conversation, … for three hours, drunk, after meeting at a gy bar. “oh matt you must think I am the worst person ever. Sorry.”
Fallowing that day I drove up to Lincoln to see him, but only to get the reply “well, do what you want I am going to a party.” Angry, I stayed and called him in an hour told him I was coming over stood for two minutes and left. Then sent a text “have fun with hurby” he immediately called back, and I said “I wont get in your way”, he replied “It’s not like that at all, Matt I really like you. I would hate to know what you think of me. I am soo sorry” I sat there outside the dorm comforted him. At this time I would no longer do any perusing (as I told my friend Jordan “I don’t want to get in the way or be a burden”).
Later, with the encouragement of brian, I would go to a club with him and for the entire night deal with people saying “remember that time we got drunk, made out, and almost did me”. After discussing it Jordon encouraged me and said it shouldnt matter he likes you more than any one else, and “its sad cause JC likes you more than you like him” (which wasn’t the case look at all I have done and time wasted- its only I just decided to back off) but I still asked and questioned about him not sure if JC was deeply retarded. Which brings us to this weekend, I had three days open and free, that last big weekend before my job would start, and I was going to spend it missing my tournomant and friends birthday to help him reach his hospitalized sister. But, plans fell through and it is still decided that I would spend the weekend with him, “matt your company would be much appreciated right now.” I would sit at home on Friday waiting come up late because he wanted to see a movie. When I do come of course we go drinking (he couldnt do anything else). The night ended and we walk back, he touches me and rubs my back and I don’t mind, we jump up on a large rock in front of the capital building and I stare at the sky talking to him. We continue our walk and I make jokes about his other boys and he replies “its not like that” and that he likes me; but in a few minutes he says: right now its soo tough choosing between you and hurby because I live 30 mins away and it would never work out because it would be too much work for him for me to drive (!?). then, he’ll continue to compare me to hurb and how I come up short. Ill find out that everything that I have done with JC he has done to Hurby. It was soo tough for him, oh what problems he must have choosing between TWO guys and he’ll give a fake sob (he had no tears but I did). JC knowingly put himself in this position and now must take the consequences, but I was an bystander and now I’m hurt. There were two guys and I was one, do you know how awful that is to feel, how low you become, how unextraordinary and unworthy. I feel nothing but shock and depression. He talks and says he has been trying to tell me this for awhile. I have given him chance after chance and all he did was pout and lie. It didn’t have to be this was, he was given chances, even before we went out to the bars I made jokes about his attractions to mascots and he smiled put me in his bed and said “its not like that.”
After the talk we go back to his room and he asks me to stay (IN THE VERY BED THAT THE OTHER GUY HAS BEEN SPLEEPING IN), teary eyed but still strong I try to get a hold of some UNL friends but no one picks up, its too late late. I grab my stuff and walk out , he drunkenly says “Matt do you feel sorry for me” then rolls over. I walk to the elevator alone passing up the guys sitting in the hallway again, I can only image what they were thinking “here is another guy coming out of JC’s room.” I only feel shame and taken advantage of. I go home, wasting $40 in gas, missing my tournament in Lincoln and leaving my plans to hang with friends. I cry so hard I pull over and puke. I call the one person up, Omar, and he nicely talks to me on the way home. I wake up LIVID, boiling red, with hatred of being mislead. Then JC calls my final words are: “Do you know that EVERY conversation you say sorry! There is no forgiveness left. You treated my like sh*t, left me alone, you lied and you said ‘there was nothing between you two’ and that ‘you must think I am the worst person’ well I finally do. My weekend is a bust. I CAME UP TO HELP YOU! I have no money, feeling hurt. But at least I have my dignity b/c I always knew to never f*ck a loser. I can only hope you can be screwed over by a friend too, you lazy drunk self centered f*cked-up sl ut. Sorry, I have finally come to my senses and I will never see you again. Goodbye” Normally I would wish him to go to hell, but instead I’ll wish him something much worse, that someday he will meet someone just like him and then be treated like the lowest form of crap.


yea, herbie in on the right, my friend dan in the middle, and lil' red on the left. its sad, my brothers have beat up this mascot on more than one occasion. look down for his pick.

the leason learned

When I, thought I knew you. Thinking, that you were true. I couldn't trust 'Cause your bluff. Time is up 'Cause I've had enough. You were there by my side. Always, down for the ride. But your, joy ride just came down in flames 'Cause your mistakes put me in shame. Never, saw it coming, All of, your backstabbing. Just so, you could cash in On a good thing before I realized your game. I heard, you're going around playing, the victim now But don't, even begin feeling I'm the one to blame. 'Cause you dug your own grave after all of the fights and the lies. Yes, you wanted to harm me but that won't work anymore, no more, oh no, it's over. How could this man I thought I knew Turn out to be unjust so cruel. Could only see the good in you. Pretended not to see the truth. You tried to hide your lies. disguiseD yourself Through living in denial. But in the end you'll see you wont stop me. I am not gonna stop. There is no turning back I've had enough. 'Cause if it wasn't for all of your tortur
I wouldn't know how to be this way now, and never back down
So I wanna say thank you 'Cause it makes me that much stronger
Makes me work a little bit harder
Makes me that much wiser
So thanks for making me a fighter
Made me learn a little bit faster
Made my skin a little bit thicker
It makes me that much smarter
So thanks for making me a fighter

yes, this is my lesson learned.

Book of Morrissey

And when you're standing on my fingers
Can you see it in your heart ? ... ah ...
And when you try to break my spirit
It won't work because there's nothing left to break
Anymore
-- Speedway,
Morrissey, Vauxhall and I, 1994

learning my lessons

i cant stop crying.

Strage dreams make you think

i had a dream last night, it was strange: after most of the south was destroyed by a hurricane and the west coast were destroyed by firers due to the very dry conditions and much dead foliage, while conversely a few months later leading into the winter the upper east coast would be hit by the hurricane and many blizzards. we, midwest, dealt with storms and too much rain, and melting snow from above. something broke and the Midwest slowly drowned. i never saw and area flooded above knee level, but there was no dry land to be seen. from what i could recall the rest of the world was still dealing with what ever previous problems they had just the US had gotten hit particularly hard this season. it was a very hot winter for the US, drying the west but a hurricane caused unusually major storms on the east. after the night which we were flooded we obviously couldnt drive places (or get gas from eclectic pumps) and there was no electricity. we moved back to the middle of the city. every one thought the world ended but now no one knew anything out of there own eyesight. the no electricity was the most devastating thing, it ended all forms of modern civilizations. we still went to school though the only place that was dried and cleaned (for some refugees), and continued with an unusually sense of normality. and in one of our more flooded classes we all realized that we would have to write out our papers because there was no such thing as computers any more and go to the library, the water destroyed the plants and wiring beyond repair for the entire city so we would never be able to get electricity. i remember the biggest inconvenience was not being able to charge my cell phone or my ipod (quit upset, would could resort back to everything else but they were now useless and i knew my favorite songs i would never hear again which devastated me). one of the more unusual out comes of this was i got all new friends, with out phone or email and such it was impossible to communicate with old pals, instead the people in my classes became my only friends (they had the same problem with never seeing there other buddies again) so if they were bored they just invited our class of 7 for a party. i think that was one of the more unusual microsocial change. it was a different dream that just made me think.