We had a talk about not getting back togather, and I dont think he go the picture. I also tried to tell him that I kissed some one else but never had the chance. That kiss really showed to myself i was over Jeff

A Kiss Can Change Everything

It was an interesting night a few weeks ago. Went to a house warming party of a friend that I met through Jeff. But I came with a boy. Mike and I were kinda friends and hung out over the year but never really looked at him. I was dating and so was he. But we both broke up with our boyfriends at the same time and understood each others pain. He invited me out previously to hang at the bar with his friends. On this night he asked if he could pick me up go to a dinner and then to the house warming (therefore, I was not driving). When we showed up at the party Jeff’s friends, sitting on the balcony hooted and whistled at Mike but as I emerged from behind him there was an awkward silent stare. I had no attraction to Mike really but it was nice to talk to a person who doesn’t hoot and holla’. I was respectful and anticipated Jeff being there... but he bowed out. That night, not driving and it being a long semester, I was able to drink and gladly did so. Soon mike and I sheared a drink back and forth and talked. Mike is a wrestler maybe an inch shorter than me and never finished college but has big heart. By 12:00 I was toasted and ready to leave (one of my friends ended up being belligerent). We ended up at his apartment on the floor watching (but not really) a movie and drinking wine. I inched towards him and eventually he leaned in and we met with our lips. Maybe I was recover from the rejection of a relationship, maybe it was missing the touch of a person for months, maybe it was wanting to feel accepted by a friend after falling out of favor with so many, maybe it was wanting to fall into favor with a special person or maybe it was just the red wine. we kissed for hours and wound up in his bed room i dont know what time i went to sleep. I started to like him. It was sadly awkward the next morning. Though no sex, we seemed to avoid conversation. With loosing what seems to be a lot of friends and a boyfriend of almost a year and a half in the same month I just don’t know if I can take this rejection or maybe I'll get over it like everyone else.

Nightmare Returns

well, it was nice to see jeff again and take him to a protest and sleep by his side, even though any chance of us ever reuniting is quickly dimishing if not already passed. but hanging out with him over the last day reawaken my nightmares that i suffered before the break up. its a weird situation i cant remeber, other than very recently, haveing nightmares (it must have been in Junior High or before since my last nightmare). This time one dream woke me up several times and it was so perverse and grotesque and dont feel comfortable writing it on my blog. I have never had such a strong subconscious reation to somthing before. It is hard to discribe, like a severe mental allergy.

and now it is sunny

Ahhh, its been an interesting week. I had the lovely privilege of going to two protest, a wedding and balance finals. On Saturday I went out to Trinity Church and interviewed people protesting Love Won Out a traveling show of Exodus International, you know: pray the gay away, more on that later. Sunday I went a pro peace war protest with Cindy Shean; it was interesting to see such a large turnout and sadly, a Republican group came out for a pro-war protest… and not a single person came to support, kinda funny. Cidny was not the best public speaker but when it was opened up ofr Q&A, watch out! Also, CONGRADULATIONS to Sam and Jake for finally getting married. It was surprisingly classy… I swore somebody would have shown up in sweatpants.

Why is it Snowing

are the seasons being pushed back or something? what is up with the snow, has there been a climate pattern change that i wasnt made aware of. seriously, SNOW!?

In the back of my berried neurotice/crazy i cant help but think these crazy turbulent weather has spun from my personal emotion heavey storms followed by sunny releasing days followed by cold pure snow.

Caught in the whirl of cameras and people

took time out of my weekend to run over and see Barack Obama speak at a town hall meeting. He He spoke eloquently about Social security (gave examples of the appropriate measures to take to save it not privatize it), find more diplomatic solutions in the world arena, securing border, global warming, give tax breaks to gas stations that offer alternative fuels, and like a good democrat… education. He did however avoid the question about gay marriage and no one ever asked about it. He also went over his extensive state senator and legal profession, and confronts his short term in the House of Representatives. Overall I liked him best but it is still too soon.

An Interesting Out Come: 2008

With this quickly developing presidential race and candidate’s receiving public and media attention at an unprecedented level for how early it is, it gets one to think. Here is an interesting idea what if the two leaders in the polls getting the noms. What if Rudy Gullianni received the Republican nom and Hilary Clinton snatch up the Democrat’s nomination? Well as previously discussed and by your comments we see that Hillary looses her base and middle road voters and Rudy, well pro-gay marriage, pro-choice, pro-gun control and from NY, he could be the most interesting candidate choice. However, he would not be the first pro-choice Rep, like Gerald Ford (it is not a make or break in the party). Let us not forget he is for the war, which is an important point for Rep candidates, further more, he is one of the star players. The pro war could serve as a fatal stance, but it is not always the easiest to poopoo 9/11 with the Mayor of New York right there. Like Hilary, people knew Rudy would be running. Since 9/11 he has been waiting and preparing for the end of the Bush administration. Maybe Brian might recall a few high school conversations of what if Rudy was running? But it could be argued Rudy would lose votes just as fast as Hilary (see below). The base would be corrupted and straight ticket voters would rethink their parties. However Rudy might actually gain some middle ground Dem votes lost by Hilary making him less of a causality to the party.

Who will the republicans vote for, where can the right wing turn to, where will Christian conservatives sway the public? Don’t worry Senator Hagel can answer these questions and save the day. If Rudy gets the nomination Hagel will run as an independent. With Fundamentalists shining spotlighting an independent candidate it will create the shift in media that editors are looking for, this shift is a powerful new perspective. New Breaking Story: Is American Politics Changing Forever? More at 9:00.
The left side always produces a few people wanting/trying to run unsuccessfully, but with the new media focus on third parties this could revive some left/libertarian parties. As soon as the media sees the underdog parties rising to the occasion and raising notable funds (Hagel could get a lot of wealthy support from the south and Midwest), it will be a feeding frenzy a new refreshed view of the long, over reported race. That spotlight is important in winning and they could easily own it.
Imagine: Chuck, independent, gaining the large republican base, Rudy gaining middle and military votes but, Hilary playing the game well and with name recognition picking up some but loosing most and chasing voters out of the party leaving numerous liberal votes to be picked up by a few leftist candidates.
What a messed up political arena, I will love it. Honestly, do you know how big it will be for third parties to get name recognition, this could go against every thing I have been taught. But, actually, so was the upset of the Reps this year, remember people did it see it coming until a few months before in the polls during the races- as the war took a turn for the worst and media really pounded the problemed administration suddenly everything changed.
I know it is unlikely but don’t poopoo this, it has happened before, already the war has created a successful third party stance with Liberman. The Republicans weren’t always in existence, they were a third party, there were successful third parties that rose up to fight the masons, and even past presidents, Abraham Lincoln, have run on third party tickets and won because of a war. I know it is too soon, but the way things are headed this could be an interesting race any way you put it.

Polls

Friday cnn.com: In poll after poll, including the new TIME poll, does that advantage seem to disappear whenever voters are asked to pick a president in hypothetical head-to-head match-ups among front-runners with solid name recognition. In our poll, Hillary Clinton loses to John McCain, 42-48%, and to Rudy Giuliani 41-50%. Even though Clinton maintains a 7% edge over Obama among Democratic respondents, Obama fares better in the general election match-ups. It's so close that it's a statistical dead-heat, but Obama still loses: 43-45% to McCain, 44-45% to Giuliani.

Nightmare

So, Jeff prompted a what could be a really bad chain of nightmares. He thinks he wants me to meet his mom. I thought it was one of the good things about being gay, not dealing with meeting the in-laws or uncomfortable thanksgiving dinners. Remember, Southern Baptist, black woman, military made New Yorker. I would rater break up with him than deal, she has caused too much in this relationship as it is. It got me to also think he still doesn’t know how badly I want to end this sometimes and that I am trying to plan a better more cinvientent time to possibly break-up but cant get myself to do it but this cant last forever.
Anyway, I had a nightmare, really three parts different thoughts that all strung together juxtaposing random images and emotions that have been going through my head recently.
First, that I was avoiding Jeff, he had tricked me into saying yes to marrying him, I didn’t want nor would I ever. It was aguish the whole avoiding him and after the miserable ceremony only thing I could say was, “now its going to be sooo much harder to break up with Jeff.” Skip to a new dream, a woman is trapped in a house where a husband has murdered his wife. People there keeping getting visions of the gruesome murder and we need to leave, fearing that the murder will return to kill the witnesses of these visions. But we never leave, we cant leave for some unknown reason, trapped. I even mention: this is stupid to be here we need to go, but never leave. Finally the worst, a snowy day in Omaha, I am driving my little stick shift through the poorly scooped residential streets. Two guy, younger in black snow gear sitting in the road at a four way stop. I don’t think much of it other than: how dumb, stupid suburban teens because they are sitting on the other side of the street. I don’t really slow until I get to the stop sign where I hit a mound of snow and fish tale sideway. It happened so fast, I ran over the two boys see their legs disappear out of my view and under my car. The worst was the heart pounding, deafening THUD!* It was the unmistakable sound fallowed by that bump launched me shooting up and forward into the seat belt. It jolted myself out of sleep early morning and couldn’t get back to bed.

Why Hilary wont be President

It is no secret that Hilary Rodham Clinton will incur some difficulties traveling down the road to a presidential race. Eventually, on must ask themselves is it too much to be a liberal and a women facing a wartime presidency.

First, lets look at some basics-- women tend to be middle/liberal, men ten to be conservative, physiologically men might have problems voting for a women, particularly a liberal women, and lastly few will vote for a women during a wartime Presidency.

These are my views on Hilary: it is going to be difficult for any liberal women to get elected anywhere, anytime in the modern world. Yes many women have made powerful leaders around the world and I feel that Americans could easily accept a female as a leader. But here’s a theory-- only if she is conservative.

On that note, it is difficult for a woman to win over the public if she is liberal. If you look at other modern women leaders of the world today they tend to be conservative (excluding crazy Italy). The current Chancellor of Germany is a women and very conservative. Margaret Thatcher, England’s first and only female leader was a woman and exceptionally conservative (setting liberal issues like gay freedoms back decades) among other conservative female leaders like in Sri Lanka. If she is both a women and conservative she has a huge base, taking advantage of conservatives and bridging the gender gap to gain vote in the middle and even liberal women votes. But, if she is a woman and a liberal she has greatly limited her base. As a conservative and women it gives you the best of both worlds, you can get votes solely as women and you really would not lose votes because you are a women if you are the conservative leader. Though some god fearing folk might not originally like the idea of a women in a leadership position but when she is viscous and a pillar of conservative family values—they are willing make exception. It goes without saying she could get liberal votes from feminists and votes solely as the greatest potential of the Conservative Party.

Men tend to vote conservatives and women are likely to vote for a woman. This is another obvious advantage. If you a female and liberal, men are less likely to vote for a women and liberal, some women will vote because she is a woman but she wont sway the conservative like a conservative woman leader could sway liberals (feminists, women right movements ect.).

A liberal women is ‘too much’ and would loose all those middle ground votes where as a conservative would pick them up being both a women and a conservative, its like the best of both world as opposed to the worst of both worlds.

So here is Hillary’s problem she is not only a women but also a women during a wartime race. There will be problems for basics Americans seeing a left-winged women as the ‘Commander and Chief’ title. She will have to battle the stigma a ‘feminist liberal women running.’ So how do you combat these arguments of being womanly liberal, Hilary will have to become more centrist and this is what will ultimately loose the race. In an effort to regain some of the lost middle she will loose her base-- loose the liberal appeal (i.e. signing flag burning banning legislation and have an extended timetable for Iraq, military spending and other issues that go against liberal basics). Not only is she not winning over conservative she is now corrupting her own liberal base. Hillary stands a good chance to lose votes by playing up the middle and on the left. Really, this is why most female leaders in the past have been conservative.

Coming Soon

In Progress: A short exposition of the trails that Hilary Rodham Clinton will face in her exigent run for Commander and Chief.

(Cliché) Gay Hell

So a few weekends ago I was in Kansas City shopping with a few friends and queens (I know, but it isn’t gay hell yet). We stumbled across this casual boutique-clothing store. Nice outfits but many were overpriced. In the center of this modern clothing store was a black iron fence that surrounding a small dark square opening in the floor. On the door hung a old paper sign, “Bargain Basement.” I elbowed my friend, Mike and we asked the old small Chinese women in all black at the register ‘is this was open’ (as if was going to stop if it wasn’t). The old lady smirked and tilted chin upward to say:

“oh, yes, yes, it open… go head”

So, Mike and I squeaked open the door to the black iron cage gaining the attention of a few of my other friends, and went down.

There stairs were old untreated wood enclosed by an open mortar and brick walls with no discernable light at the bottom. In the damp basement the ground was uneven and felt like dirt. Directly at the foot of the staircase was a large hole in the wall that look as if it was demolition created a doorway to a sealed room. This was covered in rope and nothing could be made out past a few feet of the imploded entrance other than a chilling breeze. To the right of the staircase was darkness and to the left was a patch wood doorway and in the room hung a single light bulb suspended by a swing cord. Though dull, it illuminated the store basement secret… shoes. That’s right pillars upon pillars of designer, limited edition bargain shopper shoes surrounded the room with piles of shoes up to my waist was in the center.

At the time we thought we hit gay heaven. One by one a gay came down and gave a *gasp*.

Shoes you cant even find in Nebraska and at a discount. Soon all six guys were down there rummaging and joking, though after a while the joking faded the talking ceased. One by one they realized there was no order to the stacks and stacks of shoes no sizes or matches. You couldn’t find the matching pair and if you did you couldn’t find the right size. Here they were, the sell that we had shopped for, and nothing to buy. One by one a person gave up and went back thoroughly frustrated, angry or dishearten. I stayed and searched for two hours, I found a shoe that I wanted, I eventually dug until I found a shoe that fit and then dug until I would find its matching shoe… When I found the matching size and model and in a furry of excitement tried them on only to find I had two left shoes. Bah!

We escaped this perpetual gay samsarah or a shoe shoping Sisyphus

... and the Presidental Plot Thickens

So, Chuck Hagel will make an annoucment on Monday to retire from politics, an announce that he will not run for the president or confirm that he is running.
This is how it will go down, he is announcing for his presidency (why else would he go through the efforts to say he will not run or retire) but here is the twist…
He will be running as an independent. Why? He has not sided at all on Iraq war issue, personally I feel that he sides on enough of the other issues (well all other issues) with W.Bush that he could easily run on the republican Candidacy. For god sakes, look at Giuliani.

300

On Tuesday, I was able to see the new movie 300—one word “man-scaping”. It is about the Spartan worriers fighting during the Roman Empire around the Persian invasion. The movie was done by one of the directors from Sin City, Zack Snyder. It pretty much follows the same visual aspects and art direction. It was not a bad movie just lacking plot and audience interest. It had a central theme but that was really the extent of the plot: defending Sparta. That’s it. I usually like this movie genre because they will go into a live action history and transport the audience into a different time period but the film did not deliver the interesting facts or the social climate. It breezed over the reasons for the war and other outside forces and focused solely on slow motion arrows. In fact the irritating rock opera music took the audience out of the film and made you realize you were sitting in a stuffy theater in Omaha, Nebraska. I was more excited going into the theater than leaving it. The movie is not a Sin City or a Gladiator.
However, the cinematography was amazing. It had a beautiful glow and scenic flowing motions. It is defiantly a visual film. It seemed each frame was a piece of art. But, I feel the filmmaker knew this and, in a form cinamasterbation, decided to slow ever freakin’ scene down. This also diminished the ‘mood’ of the film and again took the audience out of the string thin plot to check their watches. The special effects were beautiful and offered more than one delightful beheading (although after a while there were one too many). The characters and costumes were also well done giving this enchanting glossy look to a movie that made it seem epic. On the note of costumes, let me say this was the absolute hottest movie ever. It was astonishing how the bodies were worked out, shaved and greased for every scene. The cast line up looked like a gay porn! Every guy had an eight pack and cod piece, not to mention gratuitous male nudity. Oh my. See the movie for its beautiful tech-glossy scenes, well-crafted fight direction and every hairless rippling thigh muscle/ stretching abdomen/ tanned and greased pecks/ powerful biceps/ noticeable protruding bulges not for the deep plot.
I will give this movie *****

Needs to be seen on the big screen but waitfor the Dollar Theater.

Teacher Knows Best

"Matt, your not bitchy... your expressive"

One From the Last Blog

Yes it is all good we are back and blogging. However, I do feel it has been so long since I posted (for some people this is the primary source of keeping in touch with me) that some are probably behind. I guess I was pissed, I just figured out somthing not usually talked about in relationships, I never knew about falling out of love. Its a wierd concept, kinda like falling in love but reversed (after so many steps and mutual emotional growth and escalation you have an epiphany and one day truely realize you love another person). In reverse, you realize you are not in love though you once were. One day you come to terms with it. Its wierd, you would assume that love is one of those perminate emotions not gradually lost, but kinda like how an old friend from grade school, your not really friends (there isnt bitterness or remorse just different paths). Its just a concept that one day I woke up and realized it, though it was gradual I never knew it was happening. But, how do you tell your partner that... your not in love after saying it for so long.

Val's Day

eh, this is late but those of you who still need SAD look at my favorite site:
Blackheartsparty.com
Their history section get me through the day.
on another note i am excited to see 300 it looks kinda dream like and cool, to bad they wont keep that whole gay thing (I guess it didnt go over well with the demographics). i an glad I am starting this up again, i forgot how great it was to vent!!!

not that i want to bitch about sex but..

I decided to see if I still knew my password. Well, I am not in the best moods however… I am not in the worst mood. I feel kinda like I am only depressed for the sake of depression (maybe because its getting all sunny). Well not a lot to add but I did want to bitch about that awful new Fox News sitcom. Why the hell is there a sketch comedy show that is on a 24 hour news channel? Second why does it have to be SO bad? Well beyond all that I feel slighty disenfranchised as a youth of todays culture. I cant be the only one who feels lied to by media peers and society. This is what I am talking about… sex is not the life altering from boy to man experience that it was illustrated to be (awkward, uncomfortable, hilarious, fake it and over rated are the words that come to mind). But why aren’t there the firecrackers further more why was it soo scary and what about it was so redeeming. As many know sex was not what it was imaged to be, its fine and once you understand it is good but was never accurately portaged and can never be obtained in a cinematic sense (i.e. see friends with money, the sex scene with Jennifer Aniston). Sex is a great connector and in its context fabulous but why was it made to be something it wasn’t, why was the myth of sex created? I am also pissed there is something called a ‘happy ending’ there isn’t. There will always be the day after until you die. Life is work, don’t get married and assume it’s a coast, don’t assume you have the dream job lined up until you work it. I always kinda wanted to play ‘adult’ you know have the high powered job in a large Plexiglas building and call the shots. Really, this is a very DULL experience. Life goals should never be to work in a cubicle (i.e. Office Space). Friends are not these life long unchangeable pals who are by your side for eternity and will stand you for even when you are wrong. This is an ideal and does not exist. I have nothing wrong with my friends I am sure I can find some one to listen to me bitch or something. But I feel left out that there isn’t some person to go to the bar see me at a coffee house talk about crazy idea, the people you chill with every weekend. That above all is what I want and… it doesn’t exist. I feel like we are a disenfranchised generation expecting great simple sex and an exciting dull job, please don’t show me a Happy ending at age 5 when it doesn’t exist (Down with Disney). I don’t know I just want to complain, thanks for the read.

quote of the -all most, kinda, if i had the time- week

"Yea its not shiny so i probably wont do it."

Why Esch wont win. My hair. Work load.

hey you'll. not much to say. change my hair in Vegas, started with dying my hair a cherry choclate brown, cutting it into a pho-hawk and the bleeching the main mohawk. the i changed it to all bleech and finally i tipped it red for haloween.
Haloween was fun, i honestly was going to spend it alone but i just went down to the bar and hung out with people i have seen before.
I hung out at the Jim Esch party wich, from what i heard, the best party to go to. rumour has it jim will run again. saddly he wont win, i think he missed his chance. this was the elections that democrats won in part because they were democrats, even gaining support in NE! but in the next two years the public will see that nothing is getting done and the stigma of being republican wont nearly be as tainted. also Jim was off the radar, terry laughed at jim. but in this election Lee Terry had the scare of his political life (he never got this close to loosing before). he is a visous polition and wont ever let it get this close. he destroyed Nancy Thompson in 2004, and she was an impressive canidate who could have been his greatest threat. but poor Nancy couldnt get out there and respond to the attacks or get her name out like lee terrry. Saddly Jim wont have the public venues (as seen in this election "who would have thought he would do well"). the Herald and local news over looked him and will do it again., while terry rips apart his name.
Well, last night i went out to a ghetto lesbian bar, i walked in as the cops arrested a girl and i left as the cops came to because of a stabbing, oh dear, blood every where.
i have only gone out 3 time in the last three months but for good reasons.
but good news i got a job at a new Omaha news paper, look into it: The Messenger. i also got hired on to Union Pacific and might be managing a coffe shop soon. but school is kicking my ass like never before. my advisor told me i was crazy for taking so many senior level class. oh well i will fial my Poli Sci and bearly pass PR. eh
i hope all is well with you.

Quote of the Week:

Look the backbone of our relationship is Honesty, or at least that's the lie i tell myself to keep this going.